A tough life

How did the apostles know Mary? For them, in their Galilean context and language, she was Myriam, the widowed mother of Yeshu. But even more she was the mother of Yaakov, Yoshi, Yehuda and Shimon, and their sisters. She probably had given birth to even more children, as child mortality was high in those years. And after years of being pregnant and breastfeeding, her husband died on her. It was up to her to survive with the help of her older sons. Jesus had become a carpenter and a builder like his father, so that provided them with some income. There may have been help from relatives. But all in all, life must have been tough for her. When Jesus spent more and more time on preaching, it must have been a threat to her family.

Tensions with Jesus

The sisters were no longer her immediate concern. They had married young and were living in their hometown, Nazareth. In general, girls married some ten years earlier in life than boys would. But her boys were still living with her in Capernaum, although later some of them got married later in life. Their relationship with Jesus was tense as we read in the Gospel of Mark. Perhaps they did not like their older brother taking the place of their deceased father. On the other hand, they could not do without the income he brought in. When Jesus’s time was consumed by his mission, they said: “He is out of his mind.” But Jesus denounced their claim on him: “Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” Later in the Gospel of Mark, Jesus says that his townspeople and family would not respect him as a prophet. We don’t know how nasty it got, but here in Mark, he is not called the son of Joseph the carpenter, but rather the carpenter himself, the son of Mary. Were there gossips that Jesus was born too early? That he was perhaps not the biological son of Joseph? Did Jesus’s brothers believe those rumours? Or was the subject a taboo in the family?

Whatever the situation, from that moment on, there were two seperate ‘families,’ and Jesus belonged to the ‘family’ of disciples. They became his brothers. Mark 15 even refers to Mary as ‘the mother of young James and Joses,’ rather than as the mother of Jesus. The disciples called him ‘young James’ as he was younger than the two disciples by that name, one of whom was his cousin. Joses is another form of Joseph, the name of Mary’s deceased husband after whom the young man was named. Judas and Simon remain unmentioned in Mark 15, as they were still children. The brothers of Jesus did not have faith in him, so we read in John 7. They mocked him and he kept his plans from them. Perhaps they resented him for his unconventional teachings. Throughout the Book of Acts and the letters of Paul, we get the impression that James, when he was older and in charge of the Jerusalem church, was inclined to a more conservative view of the law.

But Christmas?

But what about Mary? Did she feel torn between her first-born son and the hot-headed young men and teenagers in her household? Did she feel she had lost Jesus to his mission? Was she unable to make his brothers see and support their brother? Or did she herself not believe in that mission? Whatever you think of the nativity stories in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke, it seems clear to me that Mary had not spoken about angels, shepherds and kings with her own children, possibly not even with Jesus himself. The Gospels of John and Mark don’t have these stories, raising the question how important these were among the earliest followers of Jesus. The Christmas stories spread later, well after the crucifixion, and we will think about them in the next chapter.

Yet, in the story of the wedding in Cana, the Gospel of John too lets on that Mary felt that her son was different. As a mother, she had observed her children and she had seen that Jesus was drawn to his heavenly father in a way none of the other children was. For a long time, she may have tried to deny it, hoping he would turn out to be ‘normal’ after all. But he did not. After the breach with his family, he seems to have lived with Peter and his in-laws, in the fisherman’s house at Capernaum’s waterfront. He walked from town to village and even fled north after John the Baptist had been executed. We don’t know how the family survived financially, but the Gospel of Luke tells us that several wealthy women who had experienced the healing power of Jesus, became his benefactors: Johanna, the wife of Herod’s steward Chuza, Susanna and Mary, from the wealthy city of Magdala with its pickled fish factories (Luke 8:3).

If we acknowledge this breach with her son, we can understand why Mary plays such a limited role during the ministry of Jesus. During one of his journeys, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” (Luke 11:27-28).

Watching your sister and nephews claiming your place

Towards the end, when Jesus knew he would go up to Jerusalem and face arrest and execution, he came with his disciples to Capernaum where they met with their families. Jesus blessed the children. Many joined him on his final journey, including his mother Mary and Salome, who I think was her sister, the wife of Zebedee and mother of Jesus’s disciples and cousins James and John (combining Mark 15:40, John 19:25 and Matthew 27:56). Some were hoping that he would end Roman rule and reign as God’s Messiah in Jerusalem. Salome stepped forward, to ensure the position of her sons as if they were Jesus’s biological brothers and should take the place of James, Joses, Judas and Simon (Matthew 20:20-23):

Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.
“What is it you want?” he asked.
She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
“You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?”
“We can,” they answered.
Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”

Salome likely thought that her sons, as cousins, could take precedence over the other disciples. Unsurprisingly, everybody was angry with them and Jesus had to teach them that real leadership is found in serving others. They were all thinking in terms of biological ties and human ambitions. Not that these are unimportant, but only in as much as these motivate to serve one another, inspired by the knowledge that, ultimately, we all have the same father and king.

Watching your son die

At the cross, when all the adult male disciples of Jesus have fled the scene in fear of arrest, John 19:26-27 zooms in on two people:

When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, look, your son,” and to the disciple, “Look, your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

The scene is emotionally devastating: hanging on the cross, Jesus needs to push himself up on his pierced hands and feet in order to breathe. As pain and exhaustion take over, Jesus is slowly suffocated to death. Still he sees. He sees his mother with a broken heart and a family torn in pieces. He sees his teenage cousin whom he loved so much, possibly still embarrassed by the attempt of his mother Salome to reign with Jesus in Jerusalem, instead of Mary’s other sons. Jesus sees the divide between them. And he uses what little breath he has left, his ‘spirit’ you could say, to make them see each other.

The crucifixion leaves both of them with a Jesus-shaped hole in their life. And as he passes away and steps back, he draws them together, as you can see in the painting below. John loves her like Jesus loves her. And she loves him like she loves Jesus. The family claims of Mary and her sons and the religiously fuelled ambitions of Salome and her sons have all come to an end in Jesus’s death. A little later, Jesus’s brothers James and Joses and their younger brothers will join their cousins as disciples of Jesus. All will receive the Holy Spirit in the book of Acts. Both John and James will join Peter in the leadership of the group. All three will give their life for proclaiming their faith in Jesus.

From a practical level we can understand that Mary and her younger sons could best live with her better-off sister in Capernaum. On an emotional level, we see how Jesus heals the rift between them that his mission had brought. But the Gospel of John does not name them in this story, for all of us are his mother, and brother and sister. John presents us with a ‘spiritual’ retelling and reframing of the life of Jesus, aimed at all his beloved disciples: so that all may love each other like Jesus and be loved like him.

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Suggestions for dialogue

A moderator can explain the dialogue steps and invite people to contribute:

• Check in with yourself. Share with each other how you are in this moment. Then take a moment again to seek stillness, humility and openness. 
• First round: Share something from the text or image(s) that stood out to you and that you would like to explore with the group, briefly indicating the thoughts and feelings that it evoked within you. Listen to the others do the same: what resonates with you? Responses in this round should be limited to questions for clarification.
• Second round: Name one or two things that resonated with you from the things that others just shared. 
• Third round: Having heard the group, the moderator names the main topics for exploration. The moderator may also propose a common thread that emerged in several topics. The exploration normally starts with asking the person(s) who brought up the topic to expand on it.
• Leave room for silence and contemplation. 
• Check out by sharing what you take home from this dialogue.

These suggestions are an adaptation of the Estuary protocol. Look for more at https://www.estuaryhub.com